_[in-transit]

as one.

Fri, 04 Dec 2009 15:55:41 GMT

i have been thinking alot these few days, recalling everything that happened in the post-A's life exactly one year ago. and im inevitably sad when i do so, even though i know that it's stupid to be holding on to the past. so much has happened since then, but some things just can't be left behind so easily. im trying hard to glimpse into the typical year-end events, but it's just not the same when you feel like you don't belong in the world you were once part of.

that said though, i really thank God for putting me where i am now. life now couldn't be better, as far as ns is concerned. if only it could last the remaining 11 months.

i finished watching Hong Gil Dong and am now on to IRIS. Part of the drama is filmed in akita, japan. the snow scenes are just insanely beautiful and completely out of this world.

on 9 dec i will be halfway through.

Sun, 29 Nov 2009 12:41:13 GMT

AHH booking in on sunday night is something i haven't done in 4 months.
AHH AHH booking in on sunday night as a trainee is something i haven't done in 5.5 months.
but now it's here nooooooooo.

:'(

Sat, 28 Nov 2009 17:23:30 GMT

sometimes you do stupid things because you don't think consider how grave their consequences can be. and in the end, it comes back to haunt you no matter how much you try to forget about it.

there are some things you could potentially regret for life.

and there are days when you just feel so so burdened.

and maybe reality's just a little too real.

simply having.

Sun, 22 Nov 2009 12:03:53 GMT

tomorrow is the day.

a normal person's ns life should comprise about 4 phases. for me it will have 7. and phase 6 begins tomorrow. all the past 6 months of an easy life with many nights spent at home look to be disappearing for good until next november. at times i look back at my decision and wonder if it was really the right thing to do to voluntarily give up all these comforts, but i'd think that given a second chance, i would still do the same.

it'll be the same thing again for the first day tomorrow. meeting people in the awkward initial moments, feeling so alone (and slightly spooked), engaging in the surfacial conversations, drawing stores and attending the various introductory lessons.

my christmas season will not only be spent in the army, but also as a trainee. the christmas decorations and the muted carols in shopping centres herald for sure the beginning of the festive season and the joyous spirit that it brings, and it's sad to be deprived of all these, even if only for a year.

but still, this is a second chance to make right what went wrong. and although the present life will continue as reluctantly as it does, at least i can tell myself by the end of next year that i have achieved something, no matter how small.

and when that time comes, it'll be another challenge altogether.

Tue, 10 Nov 2009 15:25:42 GMT

just came back from sending my mum off at the airport. and i must say that its quite sad to be at the airport but not be flying off to some exiciting foreign land.
there was the typical airport buzz, the christmas decor and there were also memories of how, during this period in the last two years, i was headed for india in 2007 and hk in 2008 with my classmates.
and then there was the grudging and painful reminder that i won't be flying anywhere this year end.

and i can't believe im saying this, but the end of beethoven virus has created an empty hole in my life. sobs.

Sun, 08 Nov 2009 17:15:17 GMT

i finished beethoven virus today. and take back everything i've said about it being one of the best dramas i've ever come across.

this is undeniably the best serial i have watched in my 19 years alive.

(one more year to ORD woots :D)

beethoven virus

Sat, 07 Nov 2009 16:20:35 GMT

life have become fairly free since im clearing my offs before i head off for my new posting in 2 weeks, and so life has been rather good :D

i've started watching a new drama called beethoven virus. im a little more than halfway through it but this is seriously one of the Best dramas i have ever come across. despite the romance plot being rather dubious (and i've been spoilered into knowing that it ends most disappointingly), the drama portrays all the complexities of the human emotion so realistically that i can actually almost emphatise with what the characters are going through, which is very rare because i usually don't involve too much emotions in dramas. but this, this is just :O :O :O

im not into classical music, but this show has also exposed me to how beautiful a thing music can be. some bits of the drama are also so inspirational. to quote a friend, this is really a 'larger than life' drama, and watching it really makes you think about and feel good about life = (:

Sat, 31 Oct 2009 14:23:12 GMT

ooh it's the 31st of october.
365 days ago i took my first A-level paper.
365 days from now i'd be 8 days to ord.

in His time

Sat, 24 Oct 2009 15:15:20 GMT

it's been a long and eventful week. cos duty on sunday, audit on monday, guard duty on thursday, and finally, my ns future sealed on friday.
i've learnt that God really works in His time.

when my posting directive for recourse aslc came, i was just not quite convinced that that was it. i tried telling myself that maybe God wanted me to go through it again at maybe a different time, something like a second chance to make right what i once gave up on. but somehow i just wasn't quite settled. i wanted an affirmation from God too, but that never came.

still i decided to get ready for it. i re-read all my bslc notes, talked to two specs about it over guard duty, even resolved to start training for SOC. was that a lack of faith?

on friday my new posting directive came. and come next month i'll be a combat medic spec trainee! haha who would have thought. as i've learnt over this whole lengthy episode since 8 jun 09, God just never fails to surprise. after 14 weeks i'll pass out 6 months later than everyone else in my batch, but as i've also come to realise, it's better late then never.

and this time, im so damn resolved to get it right.

Wed, 14 Oct 2009 14:01:02 GMT

now that all is almost set, i'm not sure what my next step should be.

should i just leave it all in His hands? or does abiding in His will sometimes require you to take some active steps by yourself? i'm more inclined to think that i shouldn't try intervening too much, but sometimes i just feel tempted to affect the situation to make my future 1 year (or at least 3 months) a little better.

God, i pray that if you have really intended this, then give me some form of affirmation. i don't want to be unsettled anymore. i want to know where i am going and that wherever that may be is indeed Your will.

wasted

Mon, 12 Oct 2009 15:14:05 GMT

i read quite a few old blog entries today. just about everything from 2007 year-end to the end of last year. and am feeling rather sad. about how things just come and go; about how we don't treasure the present till its gone; about how the quality of my present life pathetically compares to the hectic yet happy (for the lack of a better word) jc life.

when i was a trainee i would complain about roughing it out. but here am i now, leading a fairly lax life, but yet feeling completely disatisfied with how my life is turning out and just feeling a sense of daily waste.

i want to achieve something in the coming year, which is why im not complaining about going back to course. but hopefully i'll be able to take it after such a long period of being out of it all, and i pray i will be able to fix the mess i have made out of my life this past year since the end of bmt, and actually make it all right again.

i should be sleeping, but there are just too many things on my mind. i can't describe how i feel right now. just a general sense of longing, though for what im not quite sure myself.

beyond words.

Sat, 10 Oct 2009 14:18:33 GMT

God is beyond words, and His ways are just above ours. i always propose silly solutions, but He always surprises with one way greater.

in my last entry i said i wanted God to move in my life specifically on the issue of my ns-life uncertainty. on monday i went to camp and felt sick. and so on tuesday and wednesday i went on mc. friday was some external half-day event so i knew nothing could happen then. and so going back to camp on thursday, i remember thinking to myself 'hmmokaytoday'sliketheonlydayleftwhichsomethingcanhappen...God will you really do something?'. halfway through that morning, God skipped the many steps in my imagination, and brought me out of 5 months+ of unsettling waiting.

i'm posting out in 5 weeks. there's a sense of relief, even as i know that life physically will become significantly worse. He has specifically shown me jeremiah 29:11, so no matter where i end up, i know it is His call.

it feels good to know that God's interested in your life. and that to Him you're not just another someone among the many others.

'I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain "Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you"." (Matt 17:20)

Sun, 04 Oct 2009 13:21:23 GMT

i thought i was over the phase where i got moody on sunday nights and lost interest in anything. previously it was understandable, but today?

i feel:
unsettled.
uncertain.
bogged down.

alvin gave me some advice about my situation in church today. at least now i know what my next step should be.

God i don't want to be waiting and be worrying over this anymore. i want to know what i want, and i want to see You move in my life, on this specific issue this very week.

Sun, 27 Sep 2009 12:49:29 GMT

yay thank God for yet another fun sunday, which really made up for the increasingly dreaded weekdays which are like slow-moving, perma-depressing, always-stressful roller-coaster rides. i have to say that i am not enjoying myself, at all. but after having people knowingly and unknowingly making life hell for me these past two weeks, last weekend and today have made me feel blessed, and make life seem worth well-living after all. to all the cc youth, i really love you guys haha. you may not know it, but your company has been the saving beacon of these two weeks :D

thinking about it, one year has really has really whizzed past. it didn't seem too long ago that prelims had just ended, and i was having the one week break. i remember getting my ipod touch and planning the cc amazing race at bishan park. hm. maybe the coming year will come and go just as quickly after all.

i'll praise You in this storm
and i will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where i am

know You are God

Mon, 21 Sep 2009 12:43:05 GMT

had a really great time yesterday with the cc servers yesterday. wrecking our brains to find the shortest way to pasir ris park; cycling/rollerblading; bumming around in the playground; dinner at changi airport (!!!) and the nice bus ride to yishun. this will be a day to remember, and it's the best i've had in quite awhile!

im not really looking forward to this book in. the worst part is that im not even sure when i'll next book out.
but it is in such moments of feeling down that i realise how much i need God; how limited i am in affecting the circumstances around me. so even as i book in with a heavy heart tomorrow, i believe that He is in control, and that He is above all my circumstances (:

when the oceans rise and thunders roar,
i will soar with You above the storm.
Father, You are King over the flood,
I will be still, know You are God.

sound of the winds

Sat, 12 Sep 2009 17:23:36 GMT

the inevitable has taken place. i am likely to become a trainee again. im not as eager to stay as i was before. i just don't want another 1 year + of mental stress after last year's attempt with A-levels. but at the same time i definitely do not like outfield and trees. so it seems that all that really can be hoped for is the quicker passing of time towards 081110.

i have finished Yann Martel's The Life of Pi. it was really cool. like the author's eco-creativeness just blew me away.

im out of words, which is typical. some feelings just can't be put to words.

all in Your hands / it's one year on

Sun, 06 Sep 2009 14:12:10 GMT

im actually missing the prelims/a-level mugging period.
and all of it that followed, esp hongkong.

when i start reminiscing, it's usually when my life starts sucking. thing is, im not sure how i feel right now.

chasing rainbows

Sun, 06 Sep 2009 09:20:58 GMT

i just finished watching Fated to Love You 命中注定我愛你 after being stuck at the last 4 eps for nearly two months. but, unlike Worlds Within, im thankful for finishing the drama. the closing was expectedly taiwanese-idol-drama-like happily-ever-after, but it was the marriage scene at the end of ep 23 that was really heartwarming. it's a nice drama, though i would say that Queen of No Marriage would be a more realistic and down-to-earth serial.
anyway, Fated to Love You is now airing on chnl u mon-fri at 10pm. ok i should stop sounding like an advert.

tmw i would be going back to plc for army open house, which is bound to bring back some fond memories. the past week let me mix more with the people in my unit, but unfortunately ended on a bad note because of last-minute and unrealistic expectations. what can i say. i didn't even get to show the MO my specialist letter. sigh. the next week will be another stressful rush to meet a deadline which suddenly seems to close. i just hope that whether i eventually stay or go, it is all part of God's plan.

im halfway through The Life of Pi after spending 3 hours waiting at the polyclinic yesterday. and i finished A Short History of Tractors in Ukrainian over 3 days. it's strange that im actually starting to read in ns. but then again, life needs some meaning.

let's just hope that this week will be better, and that with Him, the seeming obstacle will become an effortless walkover.

Sun, 30 Aug 2009 14:26:51 GMT

oh look another week beckons. hm i have to say that apart from the highly-anticipated nature and novelty of weekends, i'm beginning to feel that routine sian-ness that used to come upon me back in school. i have zero days of leave left for this year, which is a rather depressing prospect. it's like there's nothing major to look forward to hohohum.

anyway this weekend has been slightly more fulfilling. instead of spending all my time grinding away at a newfound mindless com game, i've actually managed to pick up 3 new books at borders, watch The Proposal, finish JPod by Douglas Coupland and restart Fated to Love You from where I last left off. so yay for weekends :D

it's teachers' day celebrations tmw. just that for the first time in 19 years it doesn't mean anything to me.

hmm.

sep 20th is the next long weekend. i shall look forward to it.

OH MY.

Sat, 29 Aug 2009 15:16:09 GMT

just watched The Proposal and wow it's the best show i've watched this year. even though i haven't been watching alot of movies. sandra bullock and ryan reynolds pulled it off so well together. there was alot of chemistry and you can feel it off the screen.

sandra bullock was also so characteristically her miss congeniality self, and she didn't overdo the bitch role. ryan reynolds played his role really well too and you can really feel his internal struggle as he falls for her.

the alaskan scenery is also really breathtaking. there are alot of nice mountain ranges and the town is like a LIVING DISNEYLAND - all the old-american shops and all. the set was really one of the best i've seen.

the best part is that the plot actually draws you into it emotionally while injecting appropriately funny bits of humour.

great show.

hm. nothing much has been going on in my life. except that it's kind of good right now. just afraid it may not last.

cycles

Sun, 23 Aug 2009 14:39:34 GMT

it's fast how things actually move along. 2 of my classmates have left for the US, and those in singapore have already started school. it's like your ex-classmates are now UNIVERSITY UNDERGRADUATES :O

and here i am, still unsure of what i want to do, and what i want out of my life. econs/law/history/politics and now IR. i'm undecisive and, above all, terribly immature ):

now im going through that whole cycle again. ucas and choosing schools and courses. and doing all this not knowing if i can even an organization to finance my education. and after this year's disappointments i've realised that it's really Very Competitive out there.

$

and although going overseas seems very exciting, i can't deny that a part of me sometimes wishes for things to stay comfortably as they are.

shall take time this week to think of what i really want to study. as for whether i should go or not, i think i shall think of that when im in a position to make that choice.

Sun, 16 Aug 2009 13:30:56 GMT

booking in again after just booking out from COS duty today morning ):

the coming week will be busy as i clear both stuff from my superior and my upperstudy. on one hand it's stressful, but on the other, at least these are things i am more capable at and for which i actually feel accomplished when im done with them.

everytime i start an entry i run out of things to say halfway.

so.

15 months left.

mc and posting

Tue, 14 Jul 2009 13:07:56 GMT

im on mc. till thurs.
apparently they have made the official move from h1n1 containment to mitigation. my family doctor didn't even consider testing me for h1n1. just asked me whether i wanted to wait awhile or just get tamiflu straightaway (which would result in 7days home quarantine + me being listed as an h1n1 case).

went to a polyclinic yesterday before seeing my family doctor today. but all i can say to doctors who are so eager to go home, who give antibiotics so easily, and most of all, who fail to take temperatures properly such that a fever of 37.8 becomes a no fever of 37.0 have no right to be doctors. and my curses go all way out to those who like creating rules for themselves.

and murphy's law (anything that can go wrong, will go wrong) was simply created for me. i have never visited this polyclinic near my house before, but when i needed the polyclinic yesterday, it just had to be closed for renovation.

i got a call from my company today asking me to collect my posting order. which means i'll be starting phase 4 of ns life pretty soon. im not sure what exactly it is yet since i wasn't in camp today. but apparently it's at a camp on the other end of the island. given the dismal state of public transport in my area, my supposed (hopefully confirmed, though i similarly can't be sure of it) 8-5 vocation will become something like 6-8.
but i'll miss my present ns life. i was hoping and expecting it to last a little longer. and there's also the worry of having to fit into an entirely new environment. unlike from bmt to bslc and bslc to aslc, the people i'll be working with next will be people from a different batch altogether.

the last two days have given me some time to read my old blog and recollect old memories. i guess growing up has never dawned upon me as an issue until this year. hopefully in my new posting i'll have the time and space to think about what i really want for my future.

close.

Fri, 03 Jul 2009 15:21:18 GMT

with all the h1n1 precautionary measures and with people playing attend c's, the past week has been fairly busy. who would have thought that 3.5 would be so tiring :/ and i still have guard duty tmw ): 8am-8am.

my weekend ):
i really should be sleeping.

seems like everything is about to draw to some inescapable close. the end which dragged on is running out.

and how life goes on.

Sun, 21 Jun 2009 13:11:06 GMT

after some rather massive upheavals in my ns life over the past 2 weeks, things have finally appeared to have settled down, at least for the next two or three months. hopefully not longer.

in any case, life now, while admittedly a little meaningless, has also been comparatively easy. a bunk mate brought a taiwanese drama last week and made me remember how i actually enjoyed watching asian serials. i never thought i'd enjoy taiwanese dramas though, but apparently i was wrong. haha. so i started another one when i came home!

FATED TO LOVE YOU. i've finished 5 and 2/3 eps so far and it's really cute hahah.

i guess once in awhile it's nice - even ideal - to forget reality.

and before everyone flies off to their overseas unis, anyone wants to meet up?!