im on off today, before my 2 days of 12-13hr-shift ambulance attachment. was at ttsh from thurs-sat for my hospital attachment, which really opened my eyes to alot of things. it's strange cus during training we learn how to do things like taking BP, glucose level etc., but when i was actually told to do it i was like HUH. just goes to show that i need to REVISE MY STUFF.
i also realise that i cannot ever ever work in the healthcare sector because im EASILY AFFECTED by things i see, and some images/scenarios stay in my head for a really long time. life is fragile, really. it can come and go just like that.

cny beckons, which rather excites me :D last year i booked out from my 2-week confinement period in time for cny. and it's so soon that it's cny again. i think when ns ends i'll look upon it as one year/phase of my life rather than two. and recently i've also come to appreciate the things here and there that im getting out of ns. but then again, it's easy to HAVE POSITIVE THOUGHTS when things are going easy. once my course ends, im not too sure whether this will be possible.

sometime last week i woke up to my handphone alarm, which is the worlds within opening theme (okay, lame, i know). i was on afternoon shift that day and so i wasn't in the usual rush/bad mood which comes when i wake up to a DARK SKY, and actually got to HEAR to the soundtrack as a soundtrack and not as an annoying alarm. and then all the memories associated with the post A-level/pre enlistment period came back to me cus i spammed the ost endlessly during that period. hk, prom, japan. it's pointless to always think about the past, but isn't the passing of time a very COLD and UNFEELING concept?

sometimes there are too many unknowns that make the security of the present tempting. but somehow the future will bring with it GOOD THINGS that we will someday regret for having taken for granted. hmm.

feeling rather sad now. about how my present course is going to end in less than a month, and how i'll be passing out in less than two. which is quite atypical cus (i) it doesn't make sense feeling sad about something that hasn't even happened and (ii) i had always looked forward to passing out and getting my 3sg rank (like finally).

but...8 weeks into this, i find that, apart from the learning-something, responsibility-less draws of trainee life, i have also grown so accustomed to the people around me. and i haven't felt that way since bmt. now i wish that march will never come.

this has got me thinking too, that perhaps, when november finally comes, amidst all the excitement of what the future holds, and the regaining of civilian status, maybe i'll feel that slight lingering reminiscence for the intermittent good times (like now) the 22 months have brought. maybe.

blink.
dread.
look forward. to?
meaning?
tough.

2009 is so yesterday. it's one hour into 2010!

aw man i can't believe one year just passed like that. ns has made time go by alot faster (surprisingly). though it strangely does not feel like one year has passed and another has come. nothing's going to change come monday anyway.

just like how 2008 ended up okay (very well actually) even though i initially dreaded a whole year of mugging to come etc., 2009 has turned out alright after all, even though i thought it would be a long and painful year. it has been a year of great change. from the sheltered school environment i entered another entirely foreign world, not knowing what to expect. but even in ns, there have been so many changes that i never foresaw. but after 6 phases, i've gotten used to alot of things, and find myself even comfortable in a setting where things are neatly planned out for you. makes me a little apprehensive about what will happen when i actually ord.

and now life goes on.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

i'll be a civilian the next time i say this.

im at home :D
okay so although my christmas has been stolen (yes my time now is not really mine anymore blahblahblah), at least i'll have 23.5hrs of christmas eve though shucks im 2hrs 10mins into it already D:

can't believe the year is coming to a close. it's really been so fast, maybe even a little too fast. (no omg can't believe i just said that. time should pass faster until next november.) and it has really been a year of many changes. but im still alive :O

finished IRIS and grrr it ended so inconclusively :@ opened up seven firefox tabs to load the seven parts of a new drama (city hall) which i intended to watch. but just closed all of them untouched :x

merry christmas!

i have been thinking alot these few days, recalling everything that happened in the post-A's life exactly one year ago. and im inevitably sad when i do so, even though i know that it's stupid to be holding on to the past. so much has happened since then, but some things just can't be left behind so easily. im trying hard to glimpse into the typical year-end events, but it's just not the same when you feel like you don't belong in the world you were once part of.

that said though, i really thank God for putting me where i am now. life now couldn't be better, as far as ns is concerned. if only it could last the remaining 11 months.

i finished watching Hong Gil Dong and am now on to IRIS. Part of the drama is filmed in akita, japan. the snow scenes are just insanely beautiful and completely out of this world.

on 9 dec i will be halfway through.

AHH booking in on sunday night is something i haven't done in 4 months.
AHH AHH booking in on sunday night as a trainee is something i haven't done in 5.5 months.
but now it's here nooooooooo.

:'(

sometimes you do stupid things because you don't think consider how grave their consequences can be. and in the end, it comes back to haunt you no matter how much you try to forget about it.

there are some things you could potentially regret for life.

and there are days when you just feel so so burdened.

and maybe reality's just a little too real.

tomorrow is the day.

a normal person's ns life should comprise about 4 phases. for me it will have 7. and phase 6 begins tomorrow. all the past 6 months of an easy life with many nights spent at home look to be disappearing for good until next november. at times i look back at my decision and wonder if it was really the right thing to do to voluntarily give up all these comforts, but i'd think that given a second chance, i would still do the same.

it'll be the same thing again for the first day tomorrow. meeting people in the awkward initial moments, feeling so alone (and slightly spooked), engaging in the surfacial conversations, drawing stores and attending the various introductory lessons.

my christmas season will not only be spent in the army, but also as a trainee. the christmas decorations and the muted carols in shopping centres herald for sure the beginning of the festive season and the joyous spirit that it brings, and it's sad to be deprived of all these, even if only for a year.

but still, this is a second chance to make right what went wrong. and although the present life will continue as reluctantly as it does, at least i can tell myself by the end of next year that i have achieved something, no matter how small.

and when that time comes, it'll be another challenge altogether.

just came back from sending my mum off at the airport. and i must say that its quite sad to be at the airport but not be flying off to some exiciting foreign land.
there was the typical airport buzz, the christmas decor and there were also memories of how, during this period in the last two years, i was headed for india in 2007 and hk in 2008 with my classmates.
and then there was the grudging and painful reminder that i won't be flying anywhere this year end.

and i can't believe im saying this, but the end of beethoven virus has created an empty hole in my life. sobs.

i finished beethoven virus today. and take back everything i've said about it being one of the best dramas i've ever come across.

this is undeniably the best serial i have watched in my 19 years alive.







(one more year to ORD woots :D)

life have become fairly free since im clearing my offs before i head off for my new posting in 2 weeks, and so life has been rather good :D

i've started watching a new drama called beethoven virus. im a little more than halfway through it but this is seriously one of the Best dramas i have ever come across. despite the romance plot being rather dubious (and i've been spoilered into knowing that it ends most disappointingly), the drama portrays all the complexities of the human emotion so realistically that i can actually almost emphatise with what the characters are going through, which is very rare because i usually don't involve too much emotions in dramas. but this, this is just :O :O :O

im not into classical music, but this show has also exposed me to how beautiful a thing music can be. some bits of the drama are also so inspirational. to quote a friend, this is really a 'larger than life' drama, and watching it really makes you think about and feel good about life = (:

ooh it's the 31st of october.
365 days ago i took my first A-level paper.
365 days from now i'd be 8 days to ord.

it's been a long and eventful week. cos duty on sunday, audit on monday, guard duty on thursday, and finally, my ns future sealed on friday.
i've learnt that God really works in His time.

when my posting directive for recourse aslc came, i was just not quite convinced that that was it. i tried telling myself that maybe God wanted me to go through it again at maybe a different time, something like a second chance to make right what i once gave up on. but somehow i just wasn't quite settled. i wanted an affirmation from God too, but that never came.

still i decided to get ready for it. i re-read all my bslc notes, talked to two specs about it over guard duty, even resolved to start training for SOC. was that a lack of faith?

on friday my new posting directive came. and come next month i'll be a combat medic spec trainee! haha who would have thought. as i've learnt over this whole lengthy episode since 8 jun 09, God just never fails to surprise. after 14 weeks i'll pass out 6 months later than everyone else in my batch, but as i've also come to realise, it's better late then never.

and this time, im so damn resolved to get it right.

now that all is almost set, i'm not sure what my next step should be.

should i just leave it all in His hands? or does abiding in His will sometimes require you to take some active steps by yourself? i'm more inclined to think that i shouldn't try intervening too much, but sometimes i just feel tempted to affect the situation to make my future 1 year (or at least 3 months) a little better.

God, i pray that if you have really intended this, then give me some form of affirmation. i don't want to be unsettled anymore. i want to know where i am going and that wherever that may be is indeed Your will.

i read quite a few old blog entries today. just about everything from 2007 year-end to the end of last year. and am feeling rather sad. about how things just come and go; about how we don't treasure the present till its gone; about how the quality of my present life pathetically compares to the hectic yet happy (for the lack of a better word) jc life.

when i was a trainee i would complain about roughing it out. but here am i now, leading a fairly lax life, but yet feeling completely disatisfied with how my life is turning out and just feeling a sense of daily waste.

i want to achieve something in the coming year, which is why im not complaining about going back to course. but hopefully i'll be able to take it after such a long period of being out of it all, and i pray i will be able to fix the mess i have made out of my life this past year since the end of bmt, and actually make it all right again.

i should be sleeping, but there are just too many things on my mind. i can't describe how i feel right now. just a general sense of longing, though for what im not quite sure myself.

God is beyond words, and His ways are just above ours. i always propose silly solutions, but He always surprises with one way greater.

in my last entry i said i wanted God to move in my life specifically on the issue of my ns-life uncertainty. on monday i went to camp and felt sick. and so on tuesday and wednesday i went on mc. friday was some external half-day event so i knew nothing could happen then. and so going back to camp on thursday, i remember thinking to myself 'hmmokaytoday'sliketheonlydayleftwhichsomethingcanhappen...God will you really do something?'. halfway through that morning, God skipped the many steps in my imagination, and brought me out of 5 months+ of unsettling waiting.

i'm posting out in 5 weeks. there's a sense of relief, even as i know that life physically will become significantly worse. He has specifically shown me jeremiah 29:11, so no matter where i end up, i know it is His call.

it feels good to know that God's interested in your life. and that to Him you're not just another someone among the many others.

'I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain "Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you"." (Matt 17:20)

i thought i was over the phase where i got moody on sunday nights and lost interest in anything. previously it was understandable, but today?

i feel:
unsettled.
uncertain.
bogged down.

alvin gave me some advice about my situation in church today. at least now i know what my next step should be.

God i don't want to be waiting and be worrying over this anymore. i want to know what i want, and i want to see You move in my life, on this specific issue this very week.

yay thank God for yet another fun sunday, which really made up for the increasingly dreaded weekdays which are like slow-moving, perma-depressing, always-stressful roller-coaster rides. i have to say that i am not enjoying myself, at all. but after having people knowingly and unknowingly making life hell for me these past two weeks, last weekend and today have made me feel blessed, and make life seem worth well-living after all. to all the cc youth, i really love you guys haha. you may not know it, but your company has been the saving beacon of these two weeks :D

thinking about it, one year has really has really whizzed past. it didn't seem too long ago that prelims had just ended, and i was having the one week break. i remember getting my ipod touch and planning the cc amazing race at bishan park. hm. maybe the coming year will come and go just as quickly after all.

i'll praise You in this storm
and i will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where i am

had a really great time yesterday with the cc servers yesterday. wrecking our brains to find the shortest way to pasir ris park; cycling/rollerblading; bumming around in the playground; dinner at changi airport (!!!) and the nice bus ride to yishun. this will be a day to remember, and it's the best i've had in quite awhile!

im not really looking forward to this book in. the worst part is that im not even sure when i'll next book out.
but it is in such moments of feeling down that i realise how much i need God; how limited i am in affecting the circumstances around me. so even as i book in with a heavy heart tomorrow, i believe that He is in control, and that He is above all my circumstances (:

when the oceans rise and thunders roar,
i will soar with You above the storm.
Father, You are King over the flood,
I will be still, know You are God.