tomorrow is the day.

a normal person's ns life should comprise about 4 phases. for me it will have 7. and phase 6 begins tomorrow. all the past 6 months of an easy life with many nights spent at home look to be disappearing for good until next november. at times i look back at my decision and wonder if it was really the right thing to do to voluntarily give up all these comforts, but i'd think that given a second chance, i would still do the same.

it'll be the same thing again for the first day tomorrow. meeting people in the awkward initial moments, feeling so alone (and slightly spooked), engaging in the surfacial conversations, drawing stores and attending the various introductory lessons.

my christmas season will not only be spent in the army, but also as a trainee. the christmas decorations and the muted carols in shopping centres herald for sure the beginning of the festive season and the joyous spirit that it brings, and it's sad to be deprived of all these, even if only for a year.

but still, this is a second chance to make right what went wrong. and although the present life will continue as reluctantly as it does, at least i can tell myself by the end of next year that i have achieved something, no matter how small.

and when that time comes, it'll be another challenge altogether.

reality hurts.

you know what's worse than helplessly watching your youth waste away when you're 19? it's when the system that causes it is just so relentlessly and endlessly demanding, and cannot even let you off when you're about to transit to another of its phases.

seriously today morning when i was informed of the rumour, i just wished the system were a person to whom i could curse a 'go and die'.

get a life, and for goodness sake, spare me mine.

just came back from sending my mum off at the airport. and i must say that its quite sad to be at the airport but not be flying off to some exiciting foreign land.
there was the typical airport buzz, the christmas decor and there were also memories of how, during this period in the last two years, i was headed for india in 2007 and hk in 2008 with my classmates.
and then there was the grudging and painful reminder that i won't be flying anywhere this year end.

and i can't believe im saying this, but the end of beethoven virus has created an empty hole in my life. sobs.

i finished beethoven virus today. and take back everything i've said about it being one of the best dramas i've ever come across.

this is undeniably the best serial i have watched in my 19 years alive.







(one more year to ORD woots :D)

life have become fairly free since im clearing my offs before i head off for my new posting in 2 weeks, and so life has been rather good :D

i've started watching a new drama called beethoven virus. im a little more than halfway through it but this is seriously one of the Best dramas i have ever come across. despite the romance plot being rather dubious (and i've been spoilered into knowing that it ends most disappointingly), the drama portrays all the complexities of the human emotion so realistically that i can actually almost emphatise with what the characters are going through, which is very rare because i usually don't involve too much emotions in dramas. but this, this is just :O :O :O

im not into classical music, but this show has also exposed me to how beautiful a thing music can be. some bits of the drama are also so inspirational. to quote a friend, this is really a 'larger than life' drama, and watching it really makes you think about and feel good about life = (:

ooh it's the 31st of october.
365 days ago i took my first A-level paper.
365 days from now i'd be 8 days to ord.

it's been a long and eventful week. cos duty on sunday, audit on monday, guard duty on thursday, and finally, my ns future sealed on friday.
i've learnt that God really works in His time.

when my posting directive for recourse aslc came, i was just not quite convinced that that was it. i tried telling myself that maybe God wanted me to go through it again at maybe a different time, something like a second chance to make right what i once gave up on. but somehow i just wasn't quite settled. i wanted an affirmation from God too, but that never came.

still i decided to get ready for it. i re-read all my bslc notes, talked to two specs about it over guard duty, even resolved to start training for SOC. was that a lack of faith?

on friday my new posting directive came. and come next month i'll be a combat medic spec trainee! haha who would have thought. as i've learnt over this whole lengthy episode since 8 jun 09, God just never fails to surprise. after 14 weeks i'll pass out 6 months later than everyone else in my batch, but as i've also come to realise, it's better late then never.

and this time, im so damn resolved to get it right.

now that all is almost set, i'm not sure what my next step should be.

should i just leave it all in His hands? or does abiding in His will sometimes require you to take some active steps by yourself? i'm more inclined to think that i shouldn't try intervening too much, but sometimes i just feel tempted to affect the situation to make my future 1 year (or at least 3 months) a little better.

God, i pray that if you have really intended this, then give me some form of affirmation. i don't want to be unsettled anymore. i want to know where i am going and that wherever that may be is indeed Your will.

i read quite a few old blog entries today. just about everything from 2007 year-end to the end of last year. and am feeling rather sad. about how things just come and go; about how we don't treasure the present till its gone; about how the quality of my present life pathetically compares to the hectic yet happy (for the lack of a better word) jc life.

when i was a trainee i would complain about roughing it out. but here am i now, leading a fairly lax life, but yet feeling completely disatisfied with how my life is turning out and just feeling a sense of daily waste.

i want to achieve something in the coming year, which is why im not complaining about going back to course. but hopefully i'll be able to take it after such a long period of being out of it all, and i pray i will be able to fix the mess i have made out of my life this past year since the end of bmt, and actually make it all right again.

i should be sleeping, but there are just too many things on my mind. i can't describe how i feel right now. just a general sense of longing, though for what im not quite sure myself.

God is beyond words, and His ways are just above ours. i always propose silly solutions, but He always surprises with one way greater.

in my last entry i said i wanted God to move in my life specifically on the issue of my ns-life uncertainty. on monday i went to camp and felt sick. and so on tuesday and wednesday i went on mc. friday was some external half-day event so i knew nothing could happen then. and so going back to camp on thursday, i remember thinking to myself 'hmmokaytoday'sliketheonlydayleftwhichsomethingcanhappen...God will you really do something?'. halfway through that morning, God skipped the many steps in my imagination, and brought me out of 5 months+ of unsettling waiting.

i'm posting out in 5 weeks. there's a sense of relief, even as i know that life physically will become significantly worse. He has specifically shown me jeremiah 29:11, so no matter where i end up, i know it is His call.

it feels good to know that God's interested in your life. and that to Him you're not just another someone among the many others.

'I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain "Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you"." (Matt 17:20)

i thought i was over the phase where i got moody on sunday nights and lost interest in anything. previously it was understandable, but today?

i feel:
unsettled.
uncertain.
bogged down.

alvin gave me some advice about my situation in church today. at least now i know what my next step should be.

God i don't want to be waiting and be worrying over this anymore. i want to know what i want, and i want to see You move in my life, on this specific issue this very week.

yay thank God for yet another fun sunday, which really made up for the increasingly dreaded weekdays which are like slow-moving, perma-depressing, always-stressful roller-coaster rides. i have to say that i am not enjoying myself, at all. but after having people knowingly and unknowingly making life hell for me these past two weeks, last weekend and today have made me feel blessed, and make life seem worth well-living after all. to all the cc youth, i really love you guys haha. you may not know it, but your company has been the saving beacon of these two weeks :D

thinking about it, one year has really has really whizzed past. it didn't seem too long ago that prelims had just ended, and i was having the one week break. i remember getting my ipod touch and planning the cc amazing race at bishan park. hm. maybe the coming year will come and go just as quickly after all.

i'll praise You in this storm
and i will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where i am

had a really great time yesterday with the cc servers yesterday. wrecking our brains to find the shortest way to pasir ris park; cycling/rollerblading; bumming around in the playground; dinner at changi airport (!!!) and the nice bus ride to yishun. this will be a day to remember, and it's the best i've had in quite awhile!

im not really looking forward to this book in. the worst part is that im not even sure when i'll next book out.
but it is in such moments of feeling down that i realise how much i need God; how limited i am in affecting the circumstances around me. so even as i book in with a heavy heart tomorrow, i believe that He is in control, and that He is above all my circumstances (:

when the oceans rise and thunders roar,
i will soar with You above the storm.
Father, You are King over the flood,
I will be still, know You are God.

the inevitable has taken place. i am likely to become a trainee again. im not as eager to stay as i was before. i just don't want another 1 year + of mental stress after last year's attempt with A-levels. but at the same time i definitely do not like outfield and trees. so it seems that all that really can be hoped for is the quicker passing of time towards 081110.

i have finished Yann Martel's The Life of Pi. it was really cool. like the author's eco-creativeness just blew me away.

im out of words, which is typical. some feelings just can't be put to words.

im actually missing the prelims/a-level mugging period.
and all of it that followed, esp hongkong.

when i start reminiscing, it's usually when my life starts sucking. thing is, im not sure how i feel right now.

i just finished watching Fated to Love You 命中注定我愛你 after being stuck at the last 4 eps for nearly two months. but, unlike Worlds Within, im thankful for finishing the drama. the closing was expectedly taiwanese-idol-drama-like happily-ever-after, but it was the marriage scene at the end of ep 23 that was really heartwarming. it's a nice drama, though i would say that Queen of No Marriage would be a more realistic and down-to-earth serial.
anyway, Fated to Love You is now airing on chnl u mon-fri at 10pm. ok i should stop sounding like an advert.

tmw i would be going back to plc for army open house, which is bound to bring back some fond memories. the past week let me mix more with the people in my unit, but unfortunately ended on a bad note because of last-minute and unrealistic expectations. what can i say. i didn't even get to show the MO my specialist letter. sigh. the next week will be another stressful rush to meet a deadline which suddenly seems to close. i just hope that whether i eventually stay or go, it is all part of God's plan.

im halfway through The Life of Pi after spending 3 hours waiting at the polyclinic yesterday. and i finished A Short History of Tractors in Ukrainian over 3 days. it's strange that im actually starting to read in ns. but then again, life needs some meaning.

let's just hope that this week will be better, and that with Him, the seeming obstacle will become an effortless walkover.

oh look another week beckons. hm i have to say that apart from the highly-anticipated nature and novelty of weekends, i'm beginning to feel that routine sian-ness that used to come upon me back in school. i have zero days of leave left for this year, which is a rather depressing prospect. it's like there's nothing major to look forward to hohohum.

anyway this weekend has been slightly more fulfilling. instead of spending all my time grinding away at a newfound mindless com game, i've actually managed to pick up 3 new books at borders, watch The Proposal, finish JPod by Douglas Coupland and restart Fated to Love You from where I last left off. so yay for weekends :D

it's teachers' day celebrations tmw. just that for the first time in 19 years it doesn't mean anything to me.

hmm.

sep 20th is the next long weekend. i shall look forward to it.

just watched The Proposal and wow it's the best show i've watched this year. even though i haven't been watching alot of movies. sandra bullock and ryan reynolds pulled it off so well together. there was alot of chemistry and you can feel it off the screen.

sandra bullock was also so characteristically her miss congeniality self, and she didn't overdo the bitch role. ryan reynolds played his role really well too and you can really feel his internal struggle as he falls for her.

the alaskan scenery is also really breathtaking. there are alot of nice mountain ranges and the town is like a LIVING DISNEYLAND - all the old-american shops and all. the set was really one of the best i've seen.

the best part is that the plot actually draws you into it emotionally while injecting appropriately funny bits of humour.

great show.


hm. nothing much has been going on in my life. except that it's kind of good right now. just afraid it may not last.

it's fast how things actually move along. 2 of my classmates have left for the US, and those in singapore have already started school. it's like your ex-classmates are now UNIVERSITY UNDERGRADUATES :O

and here i am, still unsure of what i want to do, and what i want out of my life. econs/law/history/politics and now IR. i'm undecisive and, above all, terribly immature ):

now im going through that whole cycle again. ucas and choosing schools and courses. and doing all this not knowing if i can even an organization to finance my education. and after this year's disappointments i've realised that it's really Very Competitive out there.

$

and although going overseas seems very exciting, i can't deny that a part of me sometimes wishes for things to stay comfortably as they are.




shall take time this week to think of what i really want to study. as for whether i should go or not, i think i shall think of that when im in a position to make that choice.

booking in again after just booking out from COS duty today morning ):

the coming week will be busy as i clear both stuff from my superior and my upperstudy. on one hand it's stressful, but on the other, at least these are things i am more capable at and for which i actually feel accomplished when im done with them.

everytime i start an entry i run out of things to say halfway.

so.

15 months left.