just thought i should blog one last time before school starts and i become a hermit.

the last month ++ has been awesome, mostly. i've probably never slacked more my entire life. and uni's great to the extent that there's no such thing as holiday homework so holidays are 100% for slacking. it's a massive contrast from sem time though. but, having been through the first semester and finding out what is roughly expected, the next sem should be better, no?

i don't really mind school actually, despite its hectic pace and all. but the difficulties arise because i cannot just forget everything else and just give my modules all that i've got. i actually enjoy studying, to some degree. but unfortunately life is not a vacuum where we can prance around with one expectation which only we ourselves hope to live up to. its tiring having to live up to expectations, whether self-imposed or otherwise.

the fight or flight response. im not the type who fights when faced with problems, unless i know my chances are certain. but the easy way out is not always the wrong way, is it? why fight when you don't even want to? why even do something you have no desire to do?

i have learnt what discouragement is. and the feeling of it sucks. and for this reason alone, i don't mind school starting, because it gives me an excuse not to care.

how i really feel right now: i just want to leave it all behind and live my life the way i want to. if i'd learnt to say no earlier, this would have been way easier. just saying.

for the past few times i've tried posting, i've always closed the tab into the first few lines. but tonight i feel like writing something, if only because im in the blogging frame of mind.

2011's coming to a close, and what a year it has been. the years seem to pass faster as you age. 2011 has got to be the quickest-passing year yet.

survived sem 1.

when the semester first started i wondered how i was ever going to make it through the next 4-5 years. seriously. i nearly went mad during the first two weeks. things got slightly better but remained quite bad until recess week, where i realised that this could not go on and decided that sometimes, you just have to care a little less. things more or less settled into a manageable (but still very packed) pace after recess week. but the weeks also passed faster with the 3/4 consecutive weeks of assignments and then reading week. reading week was another experience because it was so... intense. i don't even recall mugging so hard for A's. in the days before my last paper i was so SICK of studying that i became so restless and felt nauseous everytime i stared at my notes.

got back results on tues and am really so thankful for them. if anything they are an assurance that God does not desert us in the midst of our struggles. throughout the semester it was really a struggle juggling school and ministry. so many times i felt that i had screwed up on both counts and that neither was going right. but through it all i have learnt that trusting in Him involves holding on loosely to what He has given us in the first place. when He gives us something, it is not for us to hold on so tightly to it until it itself becomes an idol. sometimes trusting is as simple as caring a little less. maybe.

...

so often i regret saying yes. even more often do i allow my evenings to become ruined because of words uttered without any consideration of their effect. so rarely is it ever tgif. but when the threshold is tested for a time long enough, it snaps. there's nothing gradual about a snap. and tonight, maybe enough is really enough. no more trying and no more polite smiles. sometimes to remain sane you just have to care a little less.

first public post since school started. i respect my friends who have been posting even while in uni because i have no idea how they manage to do so.

read my pre and post-As posts to convince myself that the mugging period will always end up memorable and that the post-exam period will always make whatever precedes it worthwhile.

and christmas is (already) in the air woohooo!

work's over! the feeling is half surreal, half anticlimax. and it's very similar to the post-ORD feeling, somehow. im glad it's time for a break, even though there will be things i miss about work. no matter how tiring it was, there was something oddly satisfying, maybe even enjoyable, about working life. it's like becoming part of this working crowd as you commute daily with them, have lunch alongside them and finally knock-off with them. there's a buzz and a unique spirit to it all. and it makes me feel all adultish and grown up!

first (comparatively) free night in a long time! will be on leave the rest of this week due to various reasons and so there isn't that usual rush to get things done so that i can sleep early. i've never slept so much per night in school or during ns, but still i always feel that i only have enough to merely get by and still come home each day feeling so TIRED. nevertheless, only one week of working routine remains and thereafter i will be as free as a bird. ok, not really.

but well as my short 4 month stint in the corporate world is about to come to an end, im beginning to feel a little sad that another phase of life is soon slipping by. as much as a 9-6 routine really drains my energy muchly, part of me does enjoy the concept of work - waking up each morning, commuting with the rest of working society to...work, looking forward to lunch, doing weird stuff during lunch (like taking a long walk to marina bay from raffles place), bubble tea (btw im a huge bubble tea fan now), and then knocking off and sardining my way home. i've been into 3 jobs/internships, and each has had it's own unique and distinct "feel" and its own memories. though i must say that the atmosphere at raffles place is insanely corporate - like the phenomenal human jam at the mrt station at 9am and 6pm, the lunch crowd (which i try to avoid, but sometimes its inevitable) and the lines of buildings, some very new and somewhat spectacular, which make the entire place reminiscent of hongkong's central area / 中环.

i know i probably complain quite a bit about how tiring a work routine can be, but the fact is, im really grateful for what each of my three jobs has taught me.

im especially thankful for my two law firm internships because they have shown me so much about the reality of the legal sector (which is soooo different from what you see on tv, a la 走进走出). i'd admit that previously i didn't really want to do law, i just...had to do it. but now im beginning to feel that this is something i really want to do and that it'll be something i like. through it all i really see God's hand at work, and how the answers will always (or at least most of the time) be evident somewhere down the road. half of me now wants to skip the school part and start working.

one of the lawyers at my present firm was sharing something with me and the other intern yesterday. he said that to him, being a lawyer (specifically a litigator) was about helping people who needed help. it blew my mind away, because i never ever saw law from this "humane" point of view, and i don't think many people do either because of the way law is commonly portrayed in the media, the news and society in general. in any case, i find myself looking at law with an entirely different paradigm.

***

do people necessarily see things differently as they age? i actually feel that i do (surprise!), thanks in great part to working, no less, since it forces one to grow up to catch on with the rest of working society. when i look around, it seems that people my age are also changing, which is both a good and bad thing. but sometimes it also appears that people remain the same, which is, again, both a good and bad thing. question is - who are you now?

getting used to life at the law firm i'm interning at after two weeks. three more weeks until i'll finally be able to take a break from working life. but yet the funny thing is: -

i was at novena square for lunch today and crossed over to united square to get something after that. and just walking that route from the mrt station to united square felt so...poignant. taking that route which i once walked at least twice daily (once to work, once back from lunch) just felt strange, in a nice way. it's like what was dull routine two weeks ago became so special - the texas chicken outlet, the starbucks and the old chang kee al fresco stalls, the challenger outlet, hunting for breakfast at the basement &c. i guess i do miss TLL muchly.

and i know i'll probably have even stronger feelings towards my present workplace when i leave because it's in an even more exciting area - clarke quay - which makes for many lunch time adventures. found out liang court is actually within walking distance from my office last week, and went to kino over lunch. heard this very nice/emo/soothing song which actually is an english translation of a japanese song. there's a korean translation too which was apparently was used in sorry i love you. maybe that was why it sounded strangely familiar (cus after all i did watch about half of the drama) but nevertheless i'll embed the video here for all who wish to indulge in emo-ness on this sunday night :D



can't wait for april though. i think i need a break after having worked nearly non-stop since jan. and a new drama!

managed to start the much-acclaimed secret garden over cny and finished it yesterday night. i did try watching 1-2 eps when it was first released last year but for some reason didn't continue. anyway, while it was nice watching it over cny, it did get me quite badly distracted from other things which probably deserved more attention than this. with work obviously things got even worse. therefore i shall not be starting any new drama anytime soon ):

nonetheless this was an AWESOME drama. i really liked it. and it was very addictive. i felt it nicely blended the comic moments of kim sam soon with the heartbreak and moving ost of snow queen. definitely the best drama since beethoven virus (which i watched in 2009) and for me it ranks probably just behind kim sam soon and beethoven virus. hyun bin and ha ji won have amazing chemistry - seriously.

sometimes dramas are a form of escapism, and in this case it definitely was hahah. so for now, it's 2 more weeks left at my current job before i start my internship. back to reality for now.

just sent LSE an email telling them officially/formally/in black and white that i wouldn't be going.

sigh.